


Stay, Say - You Will Never Ever Leave Me Again

by assez



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Character Death, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Possibly Unrequited Love, Romance, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 06:23:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15835566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/assez/pseuds/assez
Summary: One in which the Harry Potter will die and the Severus Snape stays alive.





	Stay, Say - You Will Never Ever Leave Me Again

I-isn't he protected? The Dark Lord is gone!

The Dark Lord will return... 

For nearly half of his life, Severus Snape waited for this moment. (his whole life.)

Whisper. Barely audible in the depths of one's mind. Barely breathing. Not breathing at all. Never. Ever.  
_I couldn't find you._  
_Harry..._

 

You were perfect. It reflected upon me. It made me better. (Craving. Shrinking. Crawling in the dust and vomit, begging for more, knowing - nothing more will be ever again.) That perfectness destroyed me - in the end.

I couldn't find you.

_Find him. Bring him to me._  
_\- Yes, my Lord._

Reflex of the dust of stars. A hope. Maddening. Distasteful. Disgusting. Overwhelming, overpowering everything.  
_And I will never have you._  
There will be time. I will convey you the message Albus told me to tell you. I will tell you must die.

In the end, there weren't. I have never found you.  
_For you were already dead._  
Lucius was quicker. He sold you. Bellatrix killed you. Your body was never found. Yet - even the Dark Lord was killed.

That way I know. You must be dead. Without any chance to bury you. Without any trace of you. Without...  
I was left here alone.  
Without you to detest.  
Without Albus to protect me.

_I have watched your resurrection  
Starts to crawl_

I would do anything for you to not die on the threshold of my life (you didn't have the right to, not after everything).

I found the thing that destroyed Albus life (and ultimately, yours, the very life of us all). I found the resurrection stone. I used it. I am proud of it. I didn't even try to wake Lily up. It didn't even crossed my mind.  
I called for you.  
I begged for you.  
I had to have you back to hate you rightfully.

They never answered.

(I remember your smell from when… when… where was it I was near you, when you were so close I could remember your smell?  
The Hospital Wing. Somewhen.)

You didn't answer. You never do.

He was killed by an accident - Longbottom, in self-defense. Pure luck and sheer idiocy.

I don't know what to do with you.

I checked the time for thousand times.

 

The dreams started recently.  
"I won't kill for you anymore," you told Dumbledore proudly right into his cold blue eyes.  
The blue icebergs shined.  
You turned and -  
And.  
Your throat was sliced.  
You looked me in the eyes when your life was leaving you and Lucius held the Gryffindor sword, watching.

Another time, another place. Battlefield. You and the Dark Lord. Everybody was watching you two. You were circling, looking the other in the eye.  
Out of the distance was heard the order: the soldier was killed, still preparing himself to be the killer for the grater good and the world.

Another day, it was the Shack.  
"Nagini. Kill." or "Nagini. Dinner."  
I was powerless. I had to stay in his mercy, hadn't I?

Yesterday, you were sitting by the lake, pants to the knees, legs in the water. You looked to me.  
"Come. Sit." Your face still young and flesh still smooth.  
You were beautiful.  
The waves from the lake was gleaming at us. Sparks carresing our eyes like needles in them.

One day, you hold the flag, offering me your palm with still warm, still beating heart. I vomited.

Leave me be, I asked for.  
Why? you asked back. I quite like you.  
_I need to die._ I didn't say anything, yet you looked scared.  
You mustn't, you ordered strictly. You will live forever.

I hate you, I whispered to you lovingly.  
I very much hope so.  
You did, didn't you?

You stood like a solitude by the doorway. Your deep sight looking to the far away, to the distance. To the grass I didn't see.  
Why it isn't only me, and only you?, you asked sad, sad. I didn't give you, nor will I ever give you the answer.

Because it is the way the world is, I say myself telling to you.  
The tone is soothing.  
The words burns like a fire.  
I will never die.  
I won't ever close my arms around you - ever - ever again. I would love to live to love to fuck to punish to make amends to you for eternity. For ever. For now.  
I have never closed you in my arms. I have never hold you. I have never put a finger on you. And yet...

I wanted it. I wanted it so badly, the soul shattering, heart breaking, mind mushing, of breath robbing relationship, where all is good and all is perfectly mutual, even the love, even the hatred, even the craving to stay and never leave. Never let alone. The other, the only one. That kind of stupid love songs and movies pretending they are more, they mean more than their predecessors just because they add there death or social issues. I wanted the love, the trust, the stillness in never ending passion and surrender. It does not exist. That is why you will never hear from me that I love or hate them. They are...  
I hate them. And suffocating so. I was not destined to have even fleeting relationship worth another living being. So... I can't stand even a thought of them.

I hoped to have that with Lily. She disappointed. She left. She wasn't the swan kind.  
She died.  
She put me in constant blame for it for this. For one fucking stunt.

Potter died too.  
I hated him. I hated him so much I hoped he will never die to haunt me by his mere existence and relation to his father's blood.  
I hate him even more so that he had to die. That he died.  
I might hate him to the point of certainty I love him.  
I haven't ever have anything with him.  
He was my student.  
I haven't even had any thought of that kind, him, naked or whatever. Kissing. (He had to kiss. He was a teenager, too. Right?)  
I passionately hated him.  
It was more of a feeling than I hold for Lily, my mum or father, I was more of a felling I held to any other living being I know of.  
He was mine to love and to destroy.  
And he fucked that up by dying.

Fuck.

I hate it when it rains. My skin crawls (more than usual).

Sometimes I wonder whether he would let me strangle him, from time to time, if I promised to be good to him the rest of the time.  
I am modest, patient man.  
I would live out of it.  
I love to imagine…

Today, I soaked the sheets. I woke up in the middle of the night. I have never thought of that. Would you want to be the swan? 

Live out of the thing mind would spit out of its depths, be stable and still, yet want to experiment, if I found out out of a sudden that I want something different? Would you stay with me, wait - until the phase passes? Would you participate in adventures the mind cames up with?

Why did I think about that so intensively yesterday? You are still dead, after all…

I would not take any fleeting relationship. I would devour you whole, the love, the passion (a would guard that jealously), the mind, the soul.  
I would let nobody in ever again.

Yesterday, I visited your grave.  
It was foolish.

I shouldn't have done that. I won't. Ever. Again.

 

It took an explosion of a cauldron and a student in Hospital Wing to realize - since you're gone, the classrooms remain silent. Too silent.

I think.

I stop. Nothing in that.


End file.
